Jul 4 2019

[Review] – Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Directed by: Brad Parker

Starring: Jesse McCartney, Johnathan Sadowski, Olivia Dudley

Insufferable American shitbags meet out-of-focus radioactive cannibals in this hapless shocker from the creator of Paranormal Activity.

Much like Oren Peli’s ghost-nonsense series, Chernobyl Diaries is predictable and bland, somehow flattening the irradiated city of Pripyat’s built in atmosphere into a run-of-the-mill slasher, except without any of the occasional gore and tension the genre normally provides.

Aside from a chance encounter with a bear and the slight whiff of government conspiracy at the conclusion, this is little more than an hour and a half tour through various horror cliché’s, from creepy kids and broken down cars to melty-faced mutants and flickering torches. Continue reading →

Dec 27 2013

[Review] – Big Ass Spider! (2013)

Directed By: Mike Mendez

Starring: Greg Grunberg Clare Kramer, Ray Wise, Lombardo Boyar

I remember when B-movies were silly, energetic and entertaining. Instead, modern B-movies concern themselves with a laugh-out-loud ‘concept’, instead of laugh-out-loud content. There are so many Mega Sharks, Ghost Sharks and I don’t know, fucking Ninja Sharks flying around these days that it’s often hard to tell what’s worth your time. Big Ass Spider! could have easily gone the same way, but it manages to steer completely clear of mediocrity, emerging triumphantly somewhere in the middle of greatness.

Heroes alumni Greg Grunberg stars as a blue-collar exterminator, who steps bravely into battle when an enormous genetically-engineered arachnid stomps across town. Teaming up with Latino hospital security guard Jose and the tough-as-nails Major Braxton (played by the always entertaining b-movie mainstay Ray Wise), he must use all his knowledge of the creature to bring it down, save the day and kiss the girl. Continue reading →

Dec 19 2013

[Review] – Open Grave (2013)

Directed by: Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego

Starring: Sharlto Copley, Joseph Morgan, Thomas Kretschmann, Erin Richards

For a horror-thriller, Open Grave bravely decides to throw high-octane ‘thrills’ out of the window in favour of a slow-burn tale of trust and discovery. This dark, harrowing story sees South African actor Sharlto Copley (District 9, The A-Team, Elysium) regain consciousness in a pit full of rotting corpses, with no idea who he is or how he got there.

Think of Open Grave as ‘The Hangover’ as written by Cormac McCarthy, and you actually wouldn’t be too far off – although Copley’s amnesiac stranger’s ‘night before’ is less about zany misadventures with Mike Tyson and more about the steady discovery of atrocities he may or may not have committed before the sudden memory loss. Continue reading →

Dec 16 2013

[Review] – The Purge (2013)

Director: James DeMonaco

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Edwin Hodge, Tony Oller

“One night a year, all crime is legal.”

A delicious, socially-satirical premise reminiscent of Paul Verhoeven’s dystopian visions isn’t enough to save this dumb, frustrating thriller from it’s many pitfalls.

Set in the year 2020, The Purge follows the story of a regular, affluent family, who barricade themselves in their home in preparation for one government-sanctioned night that legalises all crimes, known colloquially as ‘the purge’. But when their well-intentioned son raises the shutters to provide shelter for a distressed homeless black man, it attracts the unwanted attention of a gang of crazed vigilantes. Continue reading →

Dec 15 2013

[Review] – The Bay (2013)

Director: Barry Levinson

Starring: Will Rogers, Kristen Connolly, Kether Donahue

“Panic feeds on fear.”

A mysterious parasitic plague engulfs a small town in this found-footage thriller from prolific director Barry Levinson (Sphere, Rain Man, Good Morning Vietnam) and Producers Oren Peli and Jason Blum (Paranormal Activity). More of a disaster film than a horror, The Bay masquerades as a tell-all expose of the ‘truth’ behind mysterious mass deaths at a small town in rural America. Framed by an interview with one of the few survivors, the film documents events through various video mediums, such as Security footage, Dash cams, home videos – even FaceTime. Continue reading →

Dec 10 2013

[Review] – Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

Directed By: James Wan

Starring: Patrick Wilson, Leigh Whannell, Rose Byrne, Ty Simpkins

Following on from one of the best horror movies of 2010, Insidious: Chapter 2 picks up right where the first movie left off. Heroic father Josh (Patrick Wilson) is back from the Further after taking on all sorts of horrific entities en route to rescuing his son (Ty Simpkins), but what exactly has the trip cost him? As he begins to act more and more strangely, it becomes clear that something’s not quite right.

The first instalment of this apparent franchise was a nauseating trip into the bizarre, coupling some immensely disturbing imagery (the mannequin-esque family massacre in the Further, for example, or the red faced demon peering out from behind Josh’s head) with a decent enough story to tie it all together. This continuation, however, feels like an altogether different story, replete with age-old retreads of spooky ghost brides, disturbed serial killers and possessions while simultaneously losing all of the creativity behind the scares. Continue reading →

Dec 8 2013

[Review] – Haunter (2013)

Directed By: Vincenzo Natali

Starring: Stephen McHattie, Abigail Breslin, Michelle Noldan

This ‘reverse ghost tale’ from director Vincenzo Natali (Cube, Splice) certainly has some big ideas about the nature of hauntings, but can it transition them to the big screen in a way that’s entertaining and exciting for viewers? The answer is… maybe?

Whether or not you enjoy Haunter depends entirely on how much value you assign things like atmosphere or tension. Even the traditional ‘scares’ take a back seat to allow for this films real focus – the story – to unfold.

At it’s core, Haunter is a unique ghost story told from the perspective of the ghost itself (Abigail Breslin), who is trying to contact the living in order to protect them from being killed by a murderous spirit known as ‘The Pale Man’ (played with smouldering glee by Pontypool‘s Stephen McHattie). Continue reading →

Dec 8 2013

[Review] – Byzantium (2013)

Directed By: Neil Jordan

Starring: Caleb Landry-Jones, Saiorse Ronan, Gemma Arterton

Saiorse Ronan and Gemma Arterton eschew the glitter and capes for this classy romantic horror about a pair of disarmingly attractive vampires living under the radar in modern Britain. Byzantium is the perfect companion to Neil Jordan’s previous directing work on Interview With A Vampire, and casts the bloodthirsty abominations in the same sexy (moon)light as 1994’s Brad Pitt vehicle.

Ronan’s character, Eleanor, is tired of living under the radar and longs to tell her newfound beau Frank (Played by the perpetually ill-looking Caleb Landry-Jones) her story, while Gemma Arterton’s matriarchal Clara fights to protect her ‘sister’ from a mysterious secret society that would rather see them dead. Continue reading →

Dec 7 2013

[Review] – World War Z (2013)

Director: Marc Forster

Starring: Brad Pitt, James Badge Dale, Fana Mokoena

“Every human being we save is one less zombie we have to kill”, claims Ludi Boeken’s Mossad leader, moments before everyone around him is indiscriminately killed by a rampaging river of the undead. Many people meet a similar fate in this not-even-slightly-similar adaptation of Max Brooks’ sombre and reserved novel, but is it enough to resurrect the notoriously cursed blockbuster from production hell?

Instead of picking up several years after the end of the war, as the novel does, this version plonks you straight into the lap of Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt), an ex-UN crisis investigator given the unenviable task of globetrotting through the zombie apocalypse in search of not only ‘patient zero’, but also a potential cure for the virus. Continue reading →

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