It’s Shark Week! A Whole Week! Of Sharks!

Here at Twisted Biscuits, we love sharks. Not only do they swim real good and have bodacious dorsal fins, but they also excel at tearing the limbs from unsuspecting seafarers.

Or, at least, they do in the movies.

Sharks in real life aren’t quite as inherently evil and ruthless as the SyFy channel would have you believe, and they very rarely munch on the meat of man. Having said that, two questions burn at the forefront of our mind:

1: Who the fuck wants to watch a movie about a big nice fish that doesn’t do anything?

And 2: If these killer shark movies didn’t exist, what exactly would Tara Reid do with her time?

In celebration of these underwater teeth-bags, we will be shining our blog-based beacon on some dreamy denizens of the deep blue sea by reviewing a shark movie EVERY SINGLE DAY for a whole week!

Tune in later this evening for the first review, and let us know your favourite shark movies in the comments!

One love,

Owen

[Review] – I Am a Hero (2015)

Directed By: Shinsuke Sato

Starring: Yo Oizumi, Masami Nagasawa, Kasumi Asimura

A cowardly, down-on-his-luck manga artist must survive a zombie outbreak in this wonderfully gory tale from Japan.

Inevitably, I Am A Hero will always be compared to its stablemate ‘Train to Busan’, because both came out near the same time and deal with the sudden breakout of a mysterious zombie virus. But while Train to Busan is a heart-stopping tour filled with drama and suspense and moments of genuine terror, I Am A Hero is a little more fun, with over the top violence, a protagonist who is more of an awkward div than a badass, and a mood that flits impossibly between slapstick comedy and morose existentialism.

What the two films undoubtedly have in common, however, is a dedication to the ‘compelling undead’. The zombies here are amazing, with horrifying marionette movements, creepy dialogue and opposite-facing eyes that help keep the main threat of the movie feeling like a genuine danger rather than a meaningless plot device.

The first real zombie moment – when our hero peers through the letterbox of his estranged girlfriend Tekka’s apartment and witnesses her impressively flexible transformation – is a masterclass in modernising the zombie. She’s so desperate to have a munch on the meat of daft old Hideo-san that she contorts around the room like a ravenous pretzel, using her legs and arms in ways that would make Mia Malkova blush.

The main villain of the film (aside from the inevitably treacherous human survivors) is a particularly sprightly zombie athlete who leaps around the joint like a coked-up Mo Farah, and I actually found him to be pretty endearing as far as undead killing machines go.

Unlike western zombie tales, Japan as a culture has a distinct lack of guns, which makes Hideo’s lone firearm both a status symbol for the survivors to bicker over, as well as a devastatingly effective weapon in an armoury devoid of them. When it is used to dispatch a ghoul, it utterly fucking obliterates it, which is nice.

Despite a lacklustre climax that seems to drag on beyond the reasonable limits of human patience, and an interesting female character that initially seems to be the crux of the story before falling by-the-wayside without being fully capitalised on, I Am a Hero is still one of the more refreshing zombie movies of recent memory. Good, bloody stuff.

A Triumphant Return

Well would you look at this, it’s only ANOTHER fucking blog!

Twisted Biscuits, as the name absolutely does not imply, is all about horror. You know, guts, blood, vomit, vampires, Frankensteins and what not.

Scary shit.

Books. Movies. Even some original stories written by me!

So if you get hard for all that stuff, you’re going to at least find something that could, in theory, pique your interest.

Obviously it’s early days right now, but stick around and we’ll hopefully work our way into a veritable frenzy of content – it’ll be like a whirlwind tearing up the internet. A REALLY SPOOKY WHIRLWIND.

Fuck yeah.

Follow us on Facebook and Twitter, to make it much easier for us to spew content unbidden into your waiting mouths.

Yours in despair,

Owen Morgan

[Review] – It Follows (2014)

img_3936Directed By: David Robert Mitchell

Starring: Maika Monroe, Jake Weary

Fornicating teens find themselves at the mercy of a slow-walking, relentless, and surprisingly creepy demonic entity  in this intriguing, atmospheric 80’s throwback.

The cinematic influences of director David Robert Mitchell are very clear from the first scene of It Follows. John Carpenter’s off-kilter, voyeuristic camera and synthesised soundtrack are all present and correct, as well as an abstract central threat reminiscent of Wes Craven’s best work.

Maika Monroe excels in her role as Jay, the unfortunate newest recipient of the curse, lending a vulnerability and strength to a character that so easily could have been disposable, and her supporting cast of surprisingly understanding friends adds an element of camaraderie that’s actually quite unusual for films in this genre. Continue reading

[Review] – Exists (2014)

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Directed by: Eduardo Sanchez

Starring: Samuel Davis, Dora Madison Burge, Roger Edwards

A group of thrill-seeking pricks are hunted by a big smelly monkey in this derivative plop from the director of The Blair Witch Project.

You’d be correct to say that the ‘found footage’ genre has seen a rise in popularity in the fifteen years since The Blair Witch Project first terrified the world, and pioneering director Eduardo Sanchez has attempted to best his low budget hit a few times in the years since.

He’s had a go at aliens in the largely-ignored-but-serviceable ‘Altered’, psychological spookery in ‘Lovely Molly’ and even zombies in VHS 2’s segment ‘A Ride in the Park’, but they have all struggled to match the impact originality of his first tale of woodland witchery. Continue reading

[Review] – Annabelle (2014)

annabelle-posterDirected by: John R. Leonetti

Starring: Annabelle Wallis, Ward Horton

An ugly demonic doll terrorises a squeaky clean American couple in this poorly executed, soulless cash-in.

Before I get started on why this film is terrible, i just want to clarify my stance on spooky dolls. They scare the piss out of me. Dolls are inherently frightening – that much is certain – but if you’re going to focus the plot of an entire movie around one, there needs to be more beneath the surface.

Annabelle is the hotly anticipated feature film starring that hideous haunted doll from the opening scene of The Conjuring. Unfortunately it takes no cues from it’s polished yet unnerving predecessor, and we seem to have ended up with a dull, by-the-numbers shocker that, despite it’s subject matter, lacks any discernible soul. Continue reading

[Review] – The Colony (2013)

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Directed By: Jeff Renfroe

Starring:  Laurence Fishburne, Kevin Zegers, Bill Paxton

One day, it started to snow, and it never stopped.

Conspiracy theorists love to H.A.A.R.P on (look it up) about weather manipulation, claiming that the government are controlling weather patterns for their own nefarious ends. But what if they’re right, and it all goes a bit tits up?

The Colony posits a future where vast weather machines have a bit of a malfunction, causing it to start snowing and never stop. This is obviously a bit of a problem, and humanity’s last desperate survivors huddle in facilities beneath the earth. Food is scarce, warmth is a commodity and tensions are high, but when a distress call is received from another colony, it’s up to Briggs (Laurence Fishburne) and his colleagues to venture into the snowy apocalypse to find answers. Continue reading

[Review] – Big Ass Spider! (2013)

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Directed By: Mike Mendez

Starring: Greg Grunberg Clare Kramer, Ray Wise, Lombardo Boyar

I remember when B-movies were silly, energetic and entertaining. Instead, modern B-movies concern themselves with a laugh-out-loud ‘concept’, instead of laugh-out-loud content. There are so many Mega Sharks, Ghost Sharks and I don’t know, fucking Ninja Sharks flying around these days that it’s often hard to tell what’s worth your time. Big Ass Spider! could have easily gone the same way, but it manages to steer completely clear of mediocrity, emerging triumphantly somewhere in the middle of greatness.

Heroes alumni Greg Grunberg stars as a blue-collar exterminator, who steps bravely into battle when an enormous genetically-engineered arachnid stomps across town. Teaming up with Latino hospital security guard Jose and the tough-as-nails Major Braxton (played by the always entertaining b-movie mainstay Ray Wise), he must use all his knowledge of the creature to bring it down, save the day and kiss the girl. Continue reading

[Review] – Open Grave (2013)

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Directed by: Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego

Starring: Sharlto Copley, Joseph Morgan, Thomas Kretschmann, Erin Richards

For a horror-thriller, Open Grave bravely decides to throw high-octane ‘thrills’ out of the window in favour of a slow-burn tale of trust and discovery. This dark, harrowing story sees South African actor Sharlto Copley (District 9, The A-Team, Elysium) regain consciousness in a pit full of rotting corpses, with no idea who he is or how he got there.

Think of Open Grave as ‘The Hangover’ as written by Cormac McCarthy, and you actually wouldn’t be too far off – although Copley’s amnesiac stranger’s ‘night before’ is less about zany misadventures with Mike Tyson and more about the steady discovery of atrocities he may or may not have committed before the sudden memory loss. Continue reading

[Review] – The Purge (2013)

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Director: James DeMonaco

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Edwin Hodge, Tony Oller

“One night a year, all crime is legal.”

A delicious, socially-satirical premise reminiscent of Paul Verhoeven’s dystopian visions isn’t enough to save this dumb, frustrating thriller from it’s many pitfalls.

Set in the year 2020, The Purge follows the story of a regular, affluent family, who barricade themselves in their home in preparation for one government-sanctioned night that legalises all crimes, known colloquially as ‘the purge’. But when their well-intentioned son raises the shutters to provide shelter for a distressed homeless black man, it attracts the unwanted attention of a gang of crazed vigilantes. Continue reading