Directed By: Mark Atkins

Starring: Brandon Auret, Stephanie Beran, Lindsay Sullivan

Waterworld meets Mad Max by way of Jaws in this baffling barrage of bollocks.

In the opening moments of this absolute clusterfuck of nonsense, we are told that 98% of the world is now covered in water, and the survivors of the human race must live on floating shanty-towns in the middle of the ocean-planet. In addition to this, an army of sharks (which we are told numbers in the thousands, despite never seeing more than ten fins at a time) are hell-bent on chomping the limbs off every struggling actor in sight.

Oh, and there is something about a rocket and a volcano too.In fact, there is so much total bollocks in this movie, it’s hard to even put it all into context. Instead, I’ll just list a few of them here:

• An army of surprisingly agile sharks, led by one big momma who is psychic or something
• A Mad Max warrior princess lady with an impressively shite ‘Cash Me Ousside’ accent who does a tribal dance with a spear to attract sharks
• A floating science laboratory/ missile silo where science men and science ladies are trying to build a rocket which can be fired at the ozone to reverse the polar ice caps melting
• A daft device that somehow calls down a big blue laser from space into a dormant underwater caldera which erupts, killing a bunch of sharks and causing a mushroom cloud and a tidal wave, while the lead rocket scientist parasails away on a surfboard
• A painfully white South African man playing a Japanese scientist with the name Hideo Ishiro, who kills sharks with a tanto knife

These are all real things that happen in this movie, and even with all these elements it’s still somehow cripplingly boring. How is that even possible? It’s not even entertaining in a bad way, which is actually somewhat impressive considering the amount of crazy shit they cram into the runtime.

There are a few minor moments of enjoyment to be had, including a particularly crowd pleasing decapitation, but beyond that there isn’t a whole lot to talk about. The characters are terrible, the action is pedestrian and the CGI sharks look like clip-art. The dialogue is mostly awful and preoccupied with pseudo-science, except for a genuinely great one liner towards the end of the movie where a fat lad tells the hero that his boat is ‘slower than my metabolism’.

In the grand scheme of things, Planet of the Sharks is not the worst thing that ever existed. I know that sounds almost like a compliment, but it’s not.